Transplanted a big shrub with the help of a neighbor and planted a bear root apple as well. So tired.


John Wells Daily Stats: temp at 8PM,high temp,low temp,rainfall,wind conditions(CalmBreezyWindyGusty). All conditions for Milton, Vermont.

63,67,33,0,C

To learn more about John Wells, visit: http://thefieldlab.blogspot.com/

I was pretty on edge all day. It was partly the volume of the work I needed to do coupled with a bit of an anxiety spike thanks to over doing it with weed the night before. On the other side now though and I feel good about all that I accomplished. Just glad I've stopped muttering under my breath complaining about nothing.

Productivity Pact: Cleaned up the chaos creating by my dog voiding herself in the house at some point while I was gone, going to have to start crating her again unfortunately.

John Wells Daily Stats: temp at 8PM,high temp,low temp,rainfall,wind conditions(CalmBreezyWindyGusty). All conditions for Milton, Vermont.

44,49,27,0,C

To learn more about John Wells, visit: http://thefieldlab.blogspot.com/

One of the most consistent parts of my online life has been The Field Lab blog by John Wells. Since 2008 this blog has moved in and out and back into my regular reading list. I haven't always agreed with John, but have always respected what he was doing. Most importantly he has always been real in a world awash with well tailored online personas.

John did what many of us have only thought about doing, including me. He left a hectic schedule in media production in NYC with all the trapping such a career comes with to move out to some baron land in Texas. Once there he set about building a simple house and experimenting with minimal off-grid living, growing his skills, all while unabashedly chronicling both his successes as well as his failures.

For most of his blogs run he posted nearly every single day. This consistency and follow through is simply aw-inspiring. From experimenting with swamp chillers made out of ad igloo cooler, to the misadventure of starting a greenhouse, to building other people's off grid homesteads, or just snapping pics of his steer Ben he was always doing something to advance his stated purpose in life. Besides Richard Proenneke, I can't think of anyone more industrious.

Like Proenneke at Twin Lakes his health has led to him having to leave the off the grid chapter of his life behind. I am not going to dwell on this part simply because I'm exhausted from processing loss after the last several years, but John has sought hospice care in the wilds of society.

What I do wish to dwell on a bit is my gratitude to John. From his consistent experimenting, to relentless writing ethic, to his humbleness in the face of things not going his way, and most importantly leading a life well lived on his own terms... his experience has had an incalculable positive impact on me that will likely take me years to fully appreciate.

To honor John's impact I am adopting a new sign-off he used at the end of most of his posts:

John Wells Daily Stats: temp at 8PM,high temp,low temp,rainfall,wind conditions(CalmBreezyWindyGusty). All conditions for Milton, Vermont.

49,70,34,0,G

To learn more about John Wells, visit: http://thefieldlab.blogspot.com/

My presence here over the last few years has been fairly cringe as I move through the worst round of depression I've felt in decades. The last few months though has been more of an exploration of "what is me and what is a wider issue" in that I know there is a grain of truth at the center of some of the philosophical doldrums I have been working though.

Today I read this article about the changing relationship between the internet and my generation as a late X or early Y depending on how you want to split the hair. That article is below:

https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/millennial-internet-social-media-b2348853.html

There are many specifics here I think are unduly focused at the internet when the culprit is simply aging. Lamenting not seeing exciting things like 50+ pics of a house party really just exposes the immaturity of the author for instance. With that said, the general tenor or the article does feel valid.

I do feel there are not many places for me and I have watched my online community evaporate over the last 13 years. Again, this feels more like a product of aging. My friends in my age bracket are busy making babies and buying houses they can finally financially bare after a much longer period of scratching than in the past. It’s hard to spend needless time online when many in my group spend all day staring at screens for work. Further, I'm just old enough that I don't trust my smartphone. I have one and I do use it for many things, but I've always been guarded about my personal info of which all modern platforms depend.

There have been bright spots of course, notably Mastodon. The instance I am on does slant heavily to my age bracket. Sure, none of the people I know IRL are on it but for the first time in a long time I have met people my age doing not fake sounding things that are inspiring. With all of its positives Mastodon is still a low traffic network though. This makes it easy to stay engaged and caught up, but it also means it’s not engaging enough to make it a more regular part of my repertoire. For example I logged in last night only to realize it had been more than a month since I last checked it.

Working in the human services field I know there are other social trends at play. For example there is a mountain of studies showing that men become less engaged and connected with others as they age. It’s unclear what causes this but studies show men’s non-family circle of friends shrink rather dramatically over time. This has held true of me as well. In high school I had a large circle of close to 70 friends I saw monthly outside of family and coworkers. That number ballooned to over a 100 in college. But since graduating it has plunged. Outside of family and work I really only have like six friends I am in any kind of contact with. I physically see fewer than three of them quarterly. Most of my socialization is channeled through my partner and her friends as well as a few people we became close with as couples but these relationships do not feel as connected. It’s more like having activity based friends than friends you'd call if you needed an ally.

I don't know what the solutions to these issues are, but I agree with the article that it’s not likely on the internet. This is driven by the growing fakeness of everything there as commercialization takes the day. Everyone has an angle online now, everything is so polished it’s not believable or authentic, and the communities that do buck these trends are small and hard to stay connected too.

Saw an ad today for a academic advisor with a local college, specifically for their online program. It is a hybrid position and dovetails well with my current skills while providing me the opportunity to grow them as well. I have decided to apply and feel like it is worth the potential pay cut at this point.

I'm just done. I am done with my specific program, the employer I have, and the field it exists in. I know a lot of people in the non-profit and human services fields get to this space and leave. It just feels weird to actively want to pivot to something else, even if it is more of puddle jump than a sea change. I've been working in human services since I was 18 and that means its been part of my life for nearly 25 years.

Certainly, the culture at my current employer has hastened this feeling of being done. But, my experiences for the last decade have too. My previous two employers really hit home that working at small non-profits isn't really viable for most people, but large ones have just as many significant drawbacks I have learned with my current employer. Either you are constantly at risk of layoff pending grant funding, or you have the security/pay/benefits and in order to keep it you have to live in a real life version of Office Space.

I honestly dont even know what my job is anymore or if the program I run really needs to exist. Part of this is being ground down by pandemic life and the trauma of working through it. I've not been remote for most of it, except the first summer when I had to furlough my entire staff....itself being very traumatizing. I have been going in everyday besides that, seeing the degradation of communities and organizations I work with every day. The significant rise in hearses pulling up to the medical facility next to my work has impacted me more than I'd like to admit. Worse, seeing everyone above me at home while I'm not even allowed to be home for my actual admin tasks has really led me to resent most of my coworkers and supervisors. Thats not fair, but neither is how I feel.

All this in conjunction with my employers tendency to add more and more to peoples plates until they leave; while constantly expressing not understanding why we can't keep people has just crushed last few give-a-fucks.

My original plan was to wait out my new (third!) supervisor until she was settled in and then apply to move to some other part of the organization such as admin or information management. My logic was I could keep my benefits, maybe my pay, and divorce myself from the part of the work causing the most pain. Now...now I'm not so sure that is far enough away. I'm going to widen my net and be more flexible, hopefully it will lead to something with enough goodwill I can recover and claw back a bit.

i find myself stuck in these thought loops about long past decisions. i know this is silly, futile, and likely does harm....and yet it keeps happening.

perhaps its because i don't know how to move forward today that keeps drawing my mind to yesterday.

Yesterday was pretty bad between the humidity, accidentally drinking caffeine, and not being able to sleep. Being on call for work always messes me up.

Today I treaded water mostly, but lucked into getting a good deal done anyway. Hoping for better tomorrow.

Made a dent in very backed up todo today. Also had a Great evening with The Perrys.

I think this sunburn ive been nursing triggered a bit of anxiety, starting my day at 4am. Really got nothing done all day.

1. Last beverage:
Iced Decaf Americano

2. Last phone call:
A wrong number. No, I an not Hasan

3. Last song you listened to:
Dream On, Aerosmith

4. Last time you cried:
Two weeks ago, after checking my new Lifelog and realizing how unhealthy my habits have become was laid bare.

5. Have you dated someone twice:
Yes, it was a bad decision.

6. Have you ever been cheated on:
Yes

7. Kissed someone & regretted it:
No

8. Have you lost someone special:
My grandparents

9. What are your three favorite colors:
Green, orange, and yellow

10. Met someone who changed you in the past month:
Nope

11. Kissed anyone on your friends list:
Nope

12. How many kids do you want:
That is the five million dollar question, isn't it?

13. Do you want any pets:
I have a lovely dog, I'm somewhat open to getting a second.

14. Do you want to change your name:
Nah, I've made peace with my issues around this.

15. What did you do for your last birthday:
It was quiet, was still fearful of that thing going around.

16. What time did you wake up today:
I woke up at 7 am.

17. Name something you CANNOT wait for:
The end of the day and a weekend in the woods!

18. Last time you saw your mother:
My High School Graduation, class of 1999

19. Most visited webpage:
Likely either my Mastodon instance or the Goodwill auction site

20. Nicknames:
I'm too much of a legend for a nick name. Close friends call me by my first name, new ones tend to say my entire name in sort of an odd form of affection.

21. Relationship status:
Married.

22. Zodiac sign:
Pieces

23. Male or female:
Thats not very respectful of gender norms in 2022, next.

24. Height:
5’ foot 10”.

25. Do you have a crush on someone:
My wife

26. Piercings:
Ha! No, never

27. Tattoos:
Ink free, plan to stay that way.

28. Strong or Weak:
There is a third way, I'm stubborn

FIRSTS

29. First surgery:
Adenoids Removed, was like 9

30. First best friend:
Jeez.. either Sam or Skylar

31. First sport you joined:
T-ball, it went....badly

32. First vacation:
Likely a camping trip with my Grandparents

33. First school:
Blandford Elementary

34. First pair of trainers:
What is this British? Probably Etonics

WHICH IS BETTER

35. Lips or eyes:
Eyes.

36. Hugs or kisses:
From whom? I’d say kisses from the wife, hugs from friends.

37. Shorter or taller:
Samesies

38. Older or younger:
A couple years, either way

39. Romantic or spontaneous:
I’m not romantic, so I’ll take spontaneous.

40. Sensitive or loud:
Sensitive.

41. Hook-up or relationship:
Relationship.

42. Shy or outgoing:
Capable of both? Being one or the other sounds exhausting

HAVE YOU EVER

43. Kissed a stranger:
Nope

44. Gotten a speeding ticket:
Yes, I've had my share. I am from Massachusetts after all, only one since moving 17 years ago.

45. Lost glasses/contacts:
Don’t wear glasses or need contacts.

46. Sex on first date:
I don't date, taken

47. Broken someone's heart:
Sadly, yes. A few times.

48. Been arrested:
Detained, not actually arrested

49. Have you turned someone down:
I'm to surly to be approached mostly, so no.

50. Fallen for a friend:
No, if I'm honest we were never friends to begin with.

51. Moved out of town:
I've lived in 5.5 different towns in three different state

BELIEVE IN

52. Miracles:
No

53. Love at first sight:
No

54. Heaven:
No

55. Santa Claus:
No

56. Kiss on the first date:
Why not, not like I have to worry about that anymore.

57. Angels:
No

58. Yourself:
Maybe 40% of the time

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY

59. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time:
No, I'm not a dick. An ass sometimes sure, but not a dick.

60. Been in love with someone you couldn't be with?:
Love is a strong word

61. Ever cheated on somebody:
Certainly not

62. If you could go back in time, how far would you go?:
Mmmmm if I could go back and do from like 17 forward that'd be cool. I'd be more decisive in my decision making, would feel less bad about it, but would likely end up where I am now with only a few differences.

63. Are you afraid of falling in love:
Certainly not

64. Was your last relationship a mistake?
No, relationships are learning experiences. Though it didn't end well, I learned a lot. I just hope the other person wasn't held back by the experience.

65. Do you miss your last relationship?
No, feels like a million years ago now.

66. Who did you last say “i love you” to?
My wife, like an hour ago.

67. Have you ever been depressed?
Yes, I've been treated on and off for depression my entire adult life.

68. Are you insecure?
Certainly, everyone is...the trick is to remember to push through instead of go around. I'm working on that last bit.

69. How do you want to die?
Quickly and while I still have all my faculties, preferably after a really great visit with my loved ones.

70. Do you bite your nails?
Ewwwww

71. When was your last physical fight?
I don't think I've ever truly been in a fight. I was bullied and made them stop, usually with a blunt implement...but I wouldn't call that fighting.

72. Do you have an attitude?
Certainly, both good and bad.

73. Twirl or cut your spaghetti?
Twirl

74. Do you tan a lot?
Farmers tan

75. Ever eaten food in a car while someone or you are driving?
Ummm...like isnt that a requirement on the driving test?

76. Ever made out in a bathroom?
Ya, that was not a solid choice.

77. Would you take any of your exes back?
No.

78. Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
Maybe? Thats not the kind of decision anyone has every truly been able to make. I'd consider it at least.

79. What are your plans for this weekend?
Remote cabin in the woods with my wife

80. Do you type fast?
I can get up to 110wpm, but I usually hover around 80 because most keyboard are shit.

81. Can you spell well?
I have gotten much better, I used to be terrible. Now, it is mostly type-o's or autocorrect silliness. My grammar still needs some work.

82: What are you craving right now?
I'm good right now actually.

83. Have you ever been on a horse?
Yes, long ago. I didn't get thrown or otherwise injure myself either.

84. Would you live with someone without marrying them?
Yes and I have.

85. What’s irritating you right now?
The slow progress I am making on house projects.

86. Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts?
I'm not really sure what this common question is driving at to be honest.

87. Does somebody love you?
Yes, thank goodness.

88. Have you ever changed clothes in a car?
Probably

89. Milk chocolate or white chocolate?
Dark Chocolate, darker the better

90. Do you have trust issues?
Not as much as I used to, its a process.

91. Longest relationship?
My wife, 10 years

92: Do you believe your most recent ex thinks about you?
I sure hope she has better things to do.

93. Have you ever walked outside in your PJs?
Multiple times a week, I wish PJs could be regular clothes.

94. Do you believe everything happens for a reason?
No, the universe is a indiscriminate slaughter machine with no consciousness and is unaware I am here.

95. Did you have dream last night?
Yes, been dreaming a good deal lately after many years of nothing. Its a strange experience.

96. Have you ever been out of state?
Many times

97. Do you play the Wii?
Ha! The Wii and my brain do not go together. I was once nearly brought to tears trying to select the Netflix icon.

98. Do you like Chinese food?
OMFG YES!!!!

99. Are you afraid of the dark?
I love the dark

100. Is cheating ever okay?
No, never. Zero tolerance.

101. What year has been your best?
2004-05 was good, the last three years have been incredible personally

102. Do you believe in true love?
As opposed to fake love? I know love to be a valid emotion and experience it every day. Slapping the word "true" in front of it seems like an unnecessary descriptor.

103. Favorite weather?
Sunny, 67 degrees, low humidity, with a slight breeze.

104. Do you like the snow?
I don't think I could live somewhere that didn't have it, but its not as important as trees. Wide open spaces like out west are disconcerting.

105. Do you like the outside?
Yes, though I've become a bit of a tender foot about rain/snow storms in recent years.

106. Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?
Since I'm 42 that would be deeply unsettling and inappropriate.

107. Have you ever made out for more than a half hour straight?
Yes

108. What makes you happy?
Happy and I are strange bed fellows. I think there is way too much emphasis on being happy in society. I also find it not a specific enough adjective. I often experience enjoyable states of being, but I would rarely use the word happy.

109. Ever been to Alaska?
Nope

110. Ever been to Hawaii?
Nope

111. Do you watch the news?
Avoid it like the plague it is.

112. Do you love MTV?
Never had cable when it was good, never watched it once I did have access.

113. Do you like subway?
Like is a very strong word for what barely passes as food, but in a pinch when my sugar is low its fine.

114 Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?
No, I will again tonight!

115. Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?
I can't even wrap my brain around this one.

116. Why did you decide to do this quiz?
Very bored at work and no brain power to do anything else.

117. Have you ever seen someone you knew and purposely avoided them?
Thats like my standard move

118. Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?
Yes. Why act unlike yourself. You meant the word "friend" as really a friend, right?

119. Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?
My wife

120. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?
Jeez, I have no idea....thats kinda sad. It was likely my wife though.

121. Ever bought condoms?
Yes and I've bought feminine products too. Not much embarrasses me.

122. Ever gotten pregnant?
That would be....difficult

123. Have you ever slipped on ice?
Many, many times

124 Have you ever missed the bus?
Yesterday, I blame the dog.

125. Have you left the house without money?
That’s pretty much daily.

126. Have you ever smoked cigarettes?
Smoke some cloves back in the day, mostly because they smell so damn good, was never a habit though.

127. Have you ever smoked a cigar?
I have a few times in social situations with the bros

128. Did you ever drink alcohol?
Alcohol drinks me

129. Did you ever watch “The Breakfast Club”?
Many times, and I can't remember any of it

130. Have you ever been overweight?
The bigger question, when was the last time I was not considered over weight?

131. Ever been to a wedding?
Yes, a few

132. Ever been in a wedding?
1.5 times

133. Have you ever been on the computer for 5 hours straight?
I was on the computer for 8 hours straight back in the day, it was a very bad choice.

134. Did you ever watch TV for 5 hours straight?
Easily

135. Ever kissed in the rain?
Probably

136. Did you ever shower with someone else?
Yes of course, though my current shower stall is too small....or I should reread #130 again

137. Did you ever fail a driver’s test?
Sort of? The officer took pity on me though and waved me through.

138. Ever been outside your home country?
Yep, Canada and Iceland

139. Ever been on a road trip longer than 5 hours?
Many times

140. Ever been to a professional sports game?
Many times

141. Have you ever broken a bone?
No. I'm invincible. No, I don't drink milk.

142. Did you ever win a trophy in your life?
No, I am not a competitive person

143. Ever get engaged?
Yes, and she even followed through with marrying my dumb ass

144. Have you ever been on a diet?
Yes, probably need to give it another go....damn you #130!

145. Have you ever been on TV?
No

146. Ever ridden in a taxi?
Many times

147. Ever been to prom?
I went to two

148. Ever stayed up for 24 hours or more?
Yes, my record is 49 hours.

149 Have you ever been to a concert?
Many

150. Have you ever had a crush on someone at work?
Yes

151. Have you ever been in a car accident?
Like three. I rear ended someone, I rolled a car once, and I got broad sided once.

152. Ever had braces?
Yes. in middle school, it didn't take

153. Did you ever learn another language?
Not conversationally. I learned a few phrases in Portuguese and Ukrainian though.

154. Do you wear make-up?
My metal concert days are probably over

155. Did you ever have your wisdom teeth taken out?
Yes, it was awful...dry socket is the worst.

156. Did you ever kiss someone a different race than yourself?
Yes

157. Ever dyed your hair?
Yes. It was hilarious, silly punk phase.

158. Did you ever wear someone else’s clothes?
Like while they were in them? No

159. Ever ridden in an ambulance?
Yes

160. Ever ridden in a helicopter?
Hell no.

161. Ever caught the stove on fire?
Many times, baking soda is my friend

162. Ever meet someone famous?
I met Arnold at a Cumberland Farms once, he was really nice.

163. Ever been on an airplane?
Yes, I hate them...but yes.

164. Ever been on a boat?
Nothing like a cruise ship, but smaller boats yes. I was on an aircraft carrier once, but it was a museum, still unsettlingly big.

165. Ever broken something expensive?
No

166. Did you ever kiss someone before you were 14?
No

167. Did you ever find something valuable on the ground?
I found a guys keys for his BMW, he was grateful.