I had a free day and decided to put back up some older, completely innocuous posts from journals past. Mostly just old surveys and quizzes that gave me a chuckle. Gotta start somewhere.

I also realized that my five year Dreamwidth anniversary is this December. Its confounding, I thought it had been at most two years. Since this is year four (!), its rather fitting I made the decision to begin incorporating old posts here. But, in light of this new-to-me information I decided to take on another little side adventure. I finally posted a profile and picked a new username.

For years I just simply didn't have a profile, I hate writing, and updating them. Today it went smoothly, so it must have been time. Since day one my username has just been the journal name, very lame. I just couldn't land on anything and didn't want to use my old ones. Those old ones have been around so long I don't even remember their significance, if there ever was any. I have finally moved out of the AIM/ICQ era with my username, long over due.

I'm not sure about changing my profile image, though I did briefly consider it. Its been my profile image the entire time I've been here and was the mood theme I used back in my LJ days. My plan was always to get a paid account to see if that theme was available or if I could import it and I think I'll stick with that plan. I'll spend the next six months fleshing this journal out and go pro on my anniversary in December.

Looking forward to getting away from it all for a couple days this weekend. Just me, my wife, and simple cabin by a river. Sounds like just the sort of thing we both need.

I continue to life log. This includes a daily selfie, twice daily Mastodon posts, using the app Metriport, and ideally posting something longer form each day here. Still working on consistency, but overall I am impressed with performance thus far.

A big part of this is to build new habits. Between getting married, the pandemic, buying a house, and getting a dog its been difficult to have any kind of routine. These small digital steps are just the beginning of figuring out how to normalize the incredible amount of change I have had in a short period of time.

The main issue to balance is a growing desire to be less connected. Certainly I have always believe technology has its place, but in resent years I have become rather disillusioned.

Tonight, I decided I'll start leaving my personal phone at home and forward my calls to my work cell each day. I don't like carrying one phone, never mind two. I also downsized my work bag to a messenger not even a quarter the size of my old backpack.

The plan tomorrow is to bring none of my personal tech except my fitness tracker. Further, I plan to only use work tech for work tasks. I will be bringing a note pad and a book for down time.

So as I look at my data from the first couple of weeks of lifelogging some very blatant issues have presented that I need to focus on.

1. My budget is very strained if not outright broken. To much going out and not enough coming in.

2. The main thing that would take a huge dent out of it and likely help with both my weight and depression is I eat out waaaaayyyy too much.

When I do set goals from my data this is at the top of my list.

I feel like the last couple weeks have been a turning point for me. Day by day I make better choices, feel more resilient, and am able to think beyond what is directly in front of me.

Building habits though hard seems a bit easier compared to the many fails starts prior to now.

What has been working particularly well?
-The Reminders app has already replaced my calendar that I always ignore. The linear nature of it is rather cathartic and helps to build a feeling of accomplishment as the day wears on.
-Lifelogging has provided a subtle layer of accountability that I very much need. By quantifying one demystifies. Note that I include all apps I use for diet, mood, energy, vitals, etc under this one category.
-Taking a Daily Selfie encourages me to address sources of stress and toxicity. No one want to take a dour picture after all.

Was really productive today and expect a smooth morning tomorrow. The whole house is clean and I have everything to avoid eating out, which is a personal challenge Im putting on myself these days. I also plan to stop drinking for awhile coming up. Now that basketball is over it'll just get in the way of fun or productivity.

This coming week is the final week for a coworker and with it an end to a weird and unnecessarily stressful situation.

I didnt realize how much it is stressed me out. When finally the higher ups got their story straight and let him know about changes to his job leading to him putting in his notice it was a big weight lifted. Both he and I knew something was up for nearly a year before they actually said anything. They didnt read me in because its obvious they dont trust me. Its not that I cant he trusted though, I just think their management style is disrespectful, and unprofessional. Its not a club I want any part of anyway.

This coupled with other efforts has led to a new, positive outcome. Late last week I started dreaming and remembering I had done so. Its been literally years since the last time I was aware I dreamed.

Heard from a relative about them having a garage sale this weekend. Looks like I'll be able to plug the holes in at least me gardening tools and get a ladder that will reach everything cheaply. Not having tools is the biggest barrier to doing projects around my home over this last year. Buying them with materials basically doubles the price of everything. It also prevents me from enlisting help since it just turns into having that person watch me.

Tonight though, is a big night. The Celtics need to either force a game seven or will lose the finals. This is not really where I want to be, but a previous posts covers the why. I'm pretty broke waiting for pay day tomorrow, but I'm meeting up with friends to watch the game anyway.

I'm pretty proud of myself for writing this. I often set the completely unreasonable goal of writing every day and then when that obviously doesn't work out it quickly turns into not writing for weeks or months. I never give myself the space to build capacity and it becomes this unfortunate cycle. This building of capacity is a big reason I find Quantified Self so intriguing.  Its not just about outcomes, but also setting appropriate goals in the first place.

Last night was a bummer, my team is now one game back, and as such needs to win both of the final two games in the series to win. I do feel like we will force a game seven for two reasons: 1) We tend to slay after big loses, and 2) The league really needs all seven games to start digging themselves out of the financial loses brought on by the pandemic.

Now, with that last one I want to be clear: I do not think the NBA is fixed. What I do think is the League employs several strategies to nug the outcome to their ideal. This starts with sports media by setting a tone for the game that often the players pick up on and it has a subtle subconscious impact even to the most seasoned players unless they put themselves in a self-imposed media blackout. In spite of past bad actors I do not believe the refs are told to specifically call fouls to influence the outcome. But, the League can for example point out blown calls on the team they don't want to win from previous games while ignoring blown calls from the other side. This would be a way to influence refs focus so they don't piss of their boss.

Anyway, I'll be watching Thursday from my waterhole since however it goes I'm going to need to be in friendly company with a drink in my hand.

One thing has been stewing in my brain since yesterday that mildly derailed me. I had to go with a client I work with (I'm a social worker) and I got harassed by a person at the store. I'm standing there with my client with my back facing this person, they are solid ten paces behind me. They just start talking about masks, how Covid almost killed them, how they have all these conditions, and was basically confronting me about not wearing a mask. Now, keep in mind that there is no mask mandate in my State and this person was surrounded by people not wearing them. I'd didn't even realize they were even talking to me for a good third of what they said. There was no "pardon me" or anything like that, they just started talking.

So, I put my mask on and she talks at me a bit more after thanking me before walking off in the complete opposite direction of me....ie they didnt even need to go where I was. What really chapped my ass was that they chose to 1) Shop at 12:30pm or one of the busiest times of day in this store, 2) They were wearing a cloth mask so thin I could see their face under it (the store has free real masks), 3) They walked by several people in the direction they actually wanted to go who were also not wearing masks without a word, 4) This is a store with special hours for high risk people and they offer those same people free home delivery as well.

I do want to say I don't have problem wearing masks. I have a problem with being chosen out of a crowd for no reason, by someone who isn't taking any precautions, and insists on telling me their life story when a simple "Pardon me, I need to get by and could you wear a mask while I'm near you please?".

Objectively, I know that as a social worker I likely give off a vibe and that it was likely there were other issues going on with this person. At the same time I am burnt out dealing with the craziness of the pandemic and the never ending mixed messages I get from both my employer and the state. So, even though it was fine and a mask isn't a big deal I still wanted to get this frustration out because it was still impacting me. I am impacted by many things not necessarily aimed at me. The big ones are idle complaining and people feeling like they need to justify themselves for obvious, no-brainer things. Just get to the point, I don't have the bandwidth to handle more.

Spent the whole day with my wife and her parents. We made the trek to Mount Washington and drove to the summit, which was extra hairy in a giant F-350. But once up there it was pretty enjoyable, though I did eat a bunch of food my health app will not be happy about.

Speaking of apps, I took the plunge into Quantified Self which is a specific type of lifelogging. The idea is to collect as much data about yourself as possible and use it to drive life change.

I beefed up the features I use on my Apple Watch, set a bunch of reminders around writing as well as finance, committed to tracking food/water, and started using two new apps. The first one is an expense tracking app and the other is a Quatified Self dashboard. That last one asks questions throughout the day about several things like my mood. It also pulls data from other apps to bring everything under one roof.

At bare minimum I hope that doing this will help me pivot to a more positive outlook and give me the strength to pivot further.

I have been challenging myself to use more positive language. Its so easy to be negative and snark just doesn't seem to hit like it used to. Snark can be used to conceal more negative intentions. I used to think snark and it linguistic cousins were just part of my personality, but I objectively know that my behavior is not innate.

This is not simply a "fake it until you make it" sort of thing. On some level I choose what comes out of my mouth and by exerting control over that I am forced to think deeper. For example, I often use self deprecating humor. This started as child, but as I have gotten older I realize I use it as an out. This type of humor tends to kill conversations or pushes discussions to new topics. I often use it when I am uncomfortable and need a social out, rather than just being honest with myself or those around me.

Language is also a reflection of thought and if the language is negative, snarky, or self deprecating so are the thoughts in my head. I often describe my struggles with depression as having a little monster in my head feeding me negativity and justifications for engaging in destructive behavior. I am not going to use this description any longer because its a way to not take responsibility for my feelings and struggles. There is no monster, it is me.

This thought process all started from a sticker of all things. It simply read "Act as if You are Already Free" and it has been haunting me since. I do not need justification, permission, or some external factor to change. I am already free, but I am also afraid.

I am afraid to take responsibility, make necessary changes, own my values even if it leads me to beliefs or outcomes I hadn't considered, and most importantly to have real conversations with the people in my life.

:::tttesting...sss:::

;-)