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I had a free day and decided to put back up some older, completely innocuous posts from journals past. Mostly just old surveys and quizzes that gave me a chuckle. Gotta start somewhere.

I also realized that my five year Dreamwidth anniversary is this December. Its confounding, I thought it had been at most two years. Since this is year four (!), its rather fitting I made the decision to begin incorporating old posts here. But, in light of this new-to-me information I decided to take on another little side adventure. I finally posted a profile and picked a new username.

For years I just simply didn't have a profile, I hate writing, and updating them. Today it went smoothly, so it must have been time. Since day one my username has just been the journal name, very lame. I just couldn't land on anything and didn't want to use my old ones. Those old ones have been around so long I don't even remember their significance, if there ever was any. I have finally moved out of the AIM/ICQ era with my username, long over due.

I'm not sure about changing my profile image, though I did briefly consider it. Its been my profile image the entire time I've been here and was the mood theme I used back in my LJ days. My plan was always to get a paid account to see if that theme was available or if I could import it and I think I'll stick with that plan. I'll spend the next six months fleshing this journal out and go pro on my anniversary in December.
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There has been a lot of self analysis running through my head lately. This mostly sits with my procrastination around personal writing. Like, why do I avoid it...but never consider just not doing it? Its a very odd issue I have struggled with most of my adult life.

Part of my personal work around my struggles with depression have centered around owning all parts of myself, especially the parts I'm not proud of or are conflicted by. I believe they provide a toxic base on which everything else springs from.

For example, I've used LJ on and off for more than two decades. You wouldn't know this from my activity on this instance, but I do have most of my old posts. Some of this is simply not wanting posts about college parties and such out in the world, those posts will remain my eyes only. But, there were a great many social decisions I made in my formative years that a) I don't think I ever really processed, and b) may still be impacting me today.

So, as a side project I am going to sift through my old posts and really challenge myself to put them back up publicly. A sort of speaking the monsters name takes away its power sort of thing.

The first monster is paranoia. One of the earliest signs I'm on a downward spiral is that I get paranoid about my online presence and start pulling content. I think I am being watched, information will be used without permission, or that I'll be judged. Its all in my head, I know this after years of work.

The problem with my admittedly mild paranoia is that it reminds me of my mother, the scary part of her, the part of her that threw out all family pictures in the house. This triggers embarrassment and shame in me. Its even worse if there is a valid nugget at the center of this shit storm. I look back on some of my older friendships and relationships and now wonder how much of it was real or imagined. Its unsettling. Some, if not most of these connections were likely going to end anyway. I just now think my mental health hastened the timeline.
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Looking forward to getting away from it all for a couple days this weekend. Just me, my wife, and simple cabin by a river. Sounds like just the sort of thing we both need.

I continue to life log. This includes a daily selfie, twice daily Mastodon posts, using the app Metriport, and ideally posting something longer form each day here. Still working on consistency, but overall I am impressed with performance thus far.

A big part of this is to build new habits. Between getting married, the pandemic, buying a house, and getting a dog its been difficult to have any kind of routine. These small digital steps are just the beginning of figuring out how to normalize the incredible amount of change I have had in a short period of time.

The main issue to balance is a growing desire to be less connected. Certainly I have always believe technology has its place, but in resent years I have become rather disillusioned.

Tonight, I decided I'll start leaving my personal phone at home and forward my calls to my work cell each day. I don't like carrying one phone, never mind two. I also downsized my work bag to a messenger not even a quarter the size of my old backpack.

The plan tomorrow is to bring none of my personal tech except my fitness tracker. Further, I plan to only use work tech for work tasks. I will be bringing a note pad and a book for down time.
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I often wonder if all those great societies that collapsed in ancient times saw it coming. Did they feel like they were racing to an end or were the caught off guard.

I often say "the worst thing you can be is a manager". Managers dont lead, innovate, or inspire. They manage on a diminishing scale.

Thats where I feel my country is. My country is led by managers, driving by personal gain, group think, and unable to contemplate where their actions lead.

They lead to the end.
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So as I look at my data from the first couple of weeks of lifelogging some very blatant issues have presented that I need to focus on.

1. My budget is very strained if not outright broken. To much going out and not enough coming in.

2. The main thing that would take a huge dent out of it and likely help with both my weight and depression is I eat out waaaaayyyy too much.

When I do set goals from my data this is at the top of my list.
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Started rewatching Anthony Bourdain: Parts Unknown as a catharsis before making the difficult journey to watch Roadrunner. A movie I am excited to see, but also profoundly sad as it is a final farewell.

Kitchen Confidential was released right as I was coming to grips with the fact that a career path of a cook I had been on since the third grade was ruining my love for it. Money has a way of sucking the joy out of things and I had let my family heritage of working as a chore to get the best of me.

I was working in a kitchen at a classic New England inn as a prep/line cook. I was also working as a line cook in a nursing home and moonlighting as a front line staff doing social services. That last one had offered me a job with more stable pay and benefits.

I took the pay and benefits. Within two years my cooking career was completely over.

Everyone hopes to be an executive chef, but obviously only a small group of the absolute most talented ever get the chance. My chance wasn't coming. I was proficient at most things, which is a terrible insult in what is a field based on creativity. I simply lacked the support network, the background, and the time to slug it out to make a name for myself. I spent most of high school figuring out where to sleep that night, my focus was too divided with basic needs.

I have been enjoying Tony's output for more than twenty years now. It provides a shot of hope to get me back in the kitchen and keep growing, even if I dont wish to revisit it professionally.

But he is gone and all that will be made has been. I have little attachment to most things, that is not the case here. Thinking about it make me well up every time.
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I feel like the last couple weeks have been a turning point for me. Day by day I make better choices, feel more resilient, and am able to think beyond what is directly in front of me.

Building habits though hard seems a bit easier compared to the many fails starts prior to now.

What has been working particularly well?
-The Reminders app has already replaced my calendar that I always ignore. The linear nature of it is rather cathartic and helps to build a feeling of accomplishment as the day wears on.
-Lifelogging has provided a subtle layer of accountability that I very much need. By quantifying one demystifies. Note that I include all apps I use for diet, mood, energy, vitals, etc under this one category.
-Taking a Daily Selfie encourages me to address sources of stress and toxicity. No one want to take a dour picture after all.
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Today was a blur, the kind of thing I am trying to avoid. I did nothing today but go on a work day walk. I feel gross too.

Trying to stay motivated, at least tomorrow looks busy.
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Was really productive today and expect a smooth morning tomorrow. The whole house is clean and I have everything to avoid eating out, which is a personal challenge Im putting on myself these days. I also plan to stop drinking for awhile coming up. Now that basketball is over it'll just get in the way of fun or productivity.

This coming week is the final week for a coworker and with it an end to a weird and unnecessarily stressful situation.

I didnt realize how much it is stressed me out. When finally the higher ups got their story straight and let him know about changes to his job leading to him putting in his notice it was a big weight lifted. Both he and I knew something was up for nearly a year before they actually said anything. They didnt read me in because its obvious they dont trust me. Its not that I cant he trusted though, I just think their management style is disrespectful, and unprofessional. Its not a club I want any part of anyway.

This coupled with other efforts has led to a new, positive outcome. Late last week I started dreaming and remembering I had done so. Its been literally years since the last time I was aware I dreamed.
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Family is an odd thing for me. On one hand a major part of my identity is wrapped up in the fact that Ive been on my own since a young age and grew up in a home marred by a failed marriage and abusive interactions.

But all of that was behind closed doors. My extended family never really saw it, or perhaps never involved themselves enough to see it. Further, both of my parents were very good at keeping up appearances and convincing others its was the other spouse causing the problems. In reality, both of them were very far from spouse or parent of the year.

Now Im an adult, a person with agency, and 25+ years of living my life without involvement with my parents. Now its a surreal and strange experience to connect with extended family. This is because I was isolated from them. I had a mother who prevented me from having relationships in many ways and a father who couldn't be bothered.

When I see extended family now, they either try to drag me into the past or they show genuine interest in knowing who I am now. I had such an experience today.

I went to a family funeral awhile back and was able to talk to a cousin which led to some emails. Now, though she is my cousin she is more of aunt due to age difference and as a child she had that title. It was a rare moment to talk to people without my narcissist father sucking all the air out of the room as he was otherwise occupied.

So, today I go down and have a completely delightful conversation with her a her husband. We even found we had similar reading interests. I was able to pick their tag sale before it opens tomorrow to supply my household with needed tools and such to.

They were rather involved in my life very early on. I vaguely remember spending time at their summer home and playing with their daughters. So its rather surreal to reenter their lives 30+ years later. Now, they are still close with my father so this is a cautious thing and likely wont be regular. At the same time it was a rather refreshing experience nonetheless.
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Heard from a relative about them having a garage sale this weekend. Looks like I'll be able to plug the holes in at least me gardening tools and get a ladder that will reach everything cheaply. Not having tools is the biggest barrier to doing projects around my home over this last year. Buying them with materials basically doubles the price of everything. It also prevents me from enlisting help since it just turns into having that person watch me.

Tonight though, is a big night. The Celtics need to either force a game seven or will lose the finals. This is not really where I want to be, but a previous posts covers the why. I'm pretty broke waiting for pay day tomorrow, but I'm meeting up with friends to watch the game anyway.
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Today was pretty blah, pretty much just coasted along. My coworker put in his notice, but it was the culmination of a long process, and as such didn't feel significant.

I did spend a short while at the garden i volunteer for and that was a nice little respite.
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I'm pretty proud of myself for writing this. I often set the completely unreasonable goal of writing every day and then when that obviously doesn't work out it quickly turns into not writing for weeks or months. I never give myself the space to build capacity and it becomes this unfortunate cycle. This building of capacity is a big reason I find Quantified Self so intriguing.  Its not just about outcomes, but also setting appropriate goals in the first place.

Last night was a bummer, my team is now one game back, and as such needs to win both of the final two games in the series to win. I do feel like we will force a game seven for two reasons: 1) We tend to slay after big loses, and 2) The league really needs all seven games to start digging themselves out of the financial loses brought on by the pandemic.

Now, with that last one I want to be clear: I do not think the NBA is fixed. What I do think is the League employs several strategies to nug the outcome to their ideal. This starts with sports media by setting a tone for the game that often the players pick up on and it has a subtle subconscious impact even to the most seasoned players unless they put themselves in a self-imposed media blackout. In spite of past bad actors I do not believe the refs are told to specifically call fouls to influence the outcome. But, the League can for example point out blown calls on the team they don't want to win from previous games while ignoring blown calls from the other side. This would be a way to influence refs focus so they don't piss of their boss.

Anyway, I'll be watching Thursday from my waterhole since however it goes I'm going to need to be in friendly company with a drink in my hand.

One thing has been stewing in my brain since yesterday that mildly derailed me. I had to go with a client I work with (I'm a social worker) and I got harassed by a person at the store. I'm standing there with my client with my back facing this person, they are solid ten paces behind me. They just start talking about masks, how Covid almost killed them, how they have all these conditions, and was basically confronting me about not wearing a mask. Now, keep in mind that there is no mask mandate in my State and this person was surrounded by people not wearing them. I'd didn't even realize they were even talking to me for a good third of what they said. There was no "pardon me" or anything like that, they just started talking.

So, I put my mask on and she talks at me a bit more after thanking me before walking off in the complete opposite direction of me....ie they didnt even need to go where I was. What really chapped my ass was that they chose to 1) Shop at 12:30pm or one of the busiest times of day in this store, 2) They were wearing a cloth mask so thin I could see their face under it (the store has free real masks), 3) They walked by several people in the direction they actually wanted to go who were also not wearing masks without a word, 4) This is a store with special hours for high risk people and they offer those same people free home delivery as well.

I do want to say I don't have problem wearing masks. I have a problem with being chosen out of a crowd for no reason, by someone who isn't taking any precautions, and insists on telling me their life story when a simple "Pardon me, I need to get by and could you wear a mask while I'm near you please?".

Objectively, I know that as a social worker I likely give off a vibe and that it was likely there were other issues going on with this person. At the same time I am burnt out dealing with the craziness of the pandemic and the never ending mixed messages I get from both my employer and the state. So, even though it was fine and a mask isn't a big deal I still wanted to get this frustration out because it was still impacting me. I am impacted by many things not necessarily aimed at me. The big ones are idle complaining and people feeling like they need to justify themselves for obvious, no-brainer things. Just get to the point, I don't have the bandwidth to handle more.
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Spent most of the day outside in the yard. I took down a tree I didnt like with my new axe, blisters took other trees off the table. I did make some headway on the new garden. Got all the posts up, start pulling grass, and dug out what looked to be an old fire pit. That last one took most of the time. I wanted to get it and any possible containments it held far away from growing food.

Im pretty sore now, but feel really accomplished. Unwound with the new Bond movie. No Time To Die was a great Bond film and certainly the best last film for a Bond actor. Its also Craigs best showing. He wasnt completely wood like I feel for the first time.
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Spent the whole day with my wife and her parents. We made the trek to Mount Washington and drove to the summit, which was extra hairy in a giant F-350. But once up there it was pretty enjoyable, though I did eat a bunch of food my health app will not be happy about.

Speaking of apps, I took the plunge into Quantified Self which is a specific type of lifelogging. The idea is to collect as much data about yourself as possible and use it to drive life change.

I beefed up the features I use on my Apple Watch, set a bunch of reminders around writing as well as finance, committed to tracking food/water, and started using two new apps. The first one is an expense tracking app and the other is a Quatified Self dashboard. That last one asks questions throughout the day about several things like my mood. It also pulls data from other apps to bring everything under one roof.

At bare minimum I hope that doing this will help me pivot to a more positive outlook and give me the strength to pivot further.

Tomorrow

Jun. 1st, 2022 11:10 am
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The NBA playoffs came and went. When last I wrote about the Celtics they were in the first round and had just handed the Nets their first loss. It was the first win of what would become a sweep, then we defeated the reigning champs in the next round, and followed it up by defeating an excellent Miami Heat team in the conference finals. We are now going to the NBA Finals to take on the Golden State Warriors.

It was all seemingly in the blink of an eye, but here we are knocking on the door of greatness. Unlike the previous trips, this one felt like a dream. In many ways it still doesn't feel real. It could be the mid-season turnaround or even just the general haze Covid-19 has brought to everyday life. Either way, I know am far more excited than I am able to show.

Of course, going up against the Warriors brings its own trepidation. They are team with lots of Finals experience, fought back injuries, and want to show the world that their current line-up can win it all without KD. They are the greatest modern team and will be a tough mountain to climb.

Lets Go!

Hello June

Jun. 1st, 2022 10:07 am
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I have been challenging myself to use more positive language. Its so easy to be negative and snark just doesn't seem to hit like it used to. Snark can be used to conceal more negative intentions. I used to think snark and it linguistic cousins were just part of my personality, but I objectively know that my behavior is not innate.

This is not simply a "fake it until you make it" sort of thing. On some level I choose what comes out of my mouth and by exerting control over that I am forced to think deeper. For example, I often use self deprecating humor. This started as child, but as I have gotten older I realize I use it as an out. This type of humor tends to kill conversations or pushes discussions to new topics. I often use it when I am uncomfortable and need a social out, rather than just being honest with myself or those around me.

Language is also a reflection of thought and if the language is negative, snarky, or self deprecating so are the thoughts in my head. I often describe my struggles with depression as having a little monster in my head feeding me negativity and justifications for engaging in destructive behavior. I am not going to use this description any longer because its a way to not take responsibility for my feelings and struggles. There is no monster, it is me.

This thought process all started from a sticker of all things. It simply read "Act as if You are Already Free" and it has been haunting me since. I do not need justification, permission, or some external factor to change. I am already free, but I am also afraid.

I am afraid to take responsibility, make necessary changes, own my values even if it leads me to beliefs or outcomes I hadn't considered, and most importantly to have real conversations with the people in my life.

That Shot

Apr. 19th, 2022 03:11 pm
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Generally speaking I am not a big spectator sports person, with the exception of basketball. I have been a Boston Celtics fan my entire life. My interest first came into focus in the last couple years of Larry Birds career. I stuck with them through the very sad 1990's while everyone was fair weather Bulls fans, and to this day they are the only professional sports team I watch.

Our 2008 championship was the culmination of ten years of cobbling together the right pieces and parts to make a run; it was a great time to be a Boston fan. Yet, even then it was not a return to form. Boston is a dynastic team with nearly 20 championship in the trophy case. 2008 was incredible, but that team was never going to be the start of a new era of winning. After rising to champion status the next four years would be a series of difficult injuries and even more difficult trades to watch. In retrospect it was inevitable simply based on the rising average age of the team. I do still believe that group had another Finals run in them and it was a lost opportunity. However, I do also agree that the very difficult trade of our core players in 2013 set the Celtics up to potentially return to that form they lost more thirty years ago now.

Those moves directly facilitated the current Tatum/Brown/Smart/Williams era. This core on paper blew my mind as it came together. Yet, each year the team seemed to under perform and there were clearly locker room issues spilling onto the court. That all came to a head during the horror that was Kyrie Irving's season with us. As much as I am more than happy to throw shade at him, his presence forced the rest of the the team to connect. I believe that lost season was important for the evolution that led to Sunday night....and that shot.



That sequence was the moment this team realized they can play and beat the best in important playoff games. Multiple passes, Smart didn't take the shot to get the ball closer to the hoop, and Tatum cut to the basket instead of hanging around the perimeter. Win or lose that team from the first half of the season that lacked rapport and confidence is dead.

Nothing would make me happier to come back to this post in the future to further add that this was the moment a new dynasty was minted, but I don't want to get to far ahead of myself. Right now I buckled in for what promises to be a great playoff series for the ages.

beeeeeeeeep

Mar. 7th, 2022 10:03 pm
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:::tttesting...sss:::

;-)
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In general, I do not talk about my job. The primary driver of this is my belief that my job already sucks up too much of my time to begin with, so I feel talking about it socially is an affront to a healthy social life. For example, the thoughts I am about to write about have been on my mind for a long time and only now, while I am on a break at work do I feel comfortable actually writing about them. 

For the last several years I have desired to leave my current field entirely, but alternatives haven't been clear. I sort of feel like a junior in high school being asked what I want to do when I'm done with school. I just kind of feel blank inside when I think about it. I have also been struggling with depression the last few years and am concerned that I'll make hasty decisions because of those feelings and not a legitimate desire to try something new.

As it relates to work, it is difficult for me to think offensively since most of my career decisions were made from a defensive posture. When I entered the work force it was about having money for basic necessities like clothes because I did not come from a good home. Later it was driven by leaving that home and meeting my basic needs thereafter. Due to the fact that I work in non-profits I have had to change jobs several times since then because funding shifted and I was laid off or found out I was about to be. 

Now I find myself in a job with something that never seemed possible considering my background, experience, and chosen field. I have a living wage and a reasonable level of job security. Due to this, I was able to buy a modest house and can generally afford a more comfortable standard of living. I don't exactly hate my job either. I do find my employer to be monumentally inefficient, wasteful, and that its values don't line up with my own very well either. When I look up at my employer in a more global sense I feel I could do much better, but traditionally when I look down at my body of work I feel my goals as well as my values are properly engaged. It regularly feels like my employer gets in the way of doing my best work...work my employers wants me to do and that I want to do. 

What's more, the pandemic has really harmed the community resources I need to do my job; I fear to an irrevocable level. As part of my work I connect people to flexible continuing education programs for adults. Those same programs have been savaged during the era of COVID-19, many options are gone altogether. Another part of the program I run that I enjoy is connecting folks to volunteer opportunities, which has become nearly impossible in the current climate. This coupled with my employer basically tossing my old job description a year ago and taking away the responsibilities that would most helped in pivoting to something new has made a uncomfortable position that much more disconnected from what I want to do. 

I could easily get a promotion or a similar level job with the same employer. In some respects I am over qualified for my current job and my organization is desperate for people due to Covid-19 related staffing shortages. The issues with this though are notable. The next position above me is very undesirable and is basically all the worst parts of my field distilled into a single position. Like many that have it, I would need to be ready to pivot out within two years at most. The same would apply to a lateral move as well.

This sounds exhausting to me and I just don't think I am in the headspace for it. Likewise, blowing everything up would throw me back into unstable waters with less pay/benefits.  

Had it not been for the pandemic, I likely would have figured something out by now. But, where I am in life and with the world the way it is I feel like I need to keep a cork in my general angst for the future. 

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