Hello June

I have been challenging myself to use more positive language. Its so easy to be negative and snark just doesn't seem to hit like it used to. Snark can be used to conceal more negative intentions. I used to think snark and it linguistic cousins were just part of my personality, but I objectively know that my behavior is not innate.

This is not simply a "fake it until you make it" sort of thing. On some level I choose what comes out of my mouth and by exerting control over that I am forced to think deeper. For example, I often use self deprecating humor. This started as child, but as I have gotten older I realize I use it as an out. This type of humor tends to kill conversations or pushes discussions to new topics. I often use it when I am uncomfortable and need a social out, rather than just being honest with myself or those around me.

Language is also a reflection of thought and if the language is negative, snarky, or self deprecating so are the thoughts in my head. I often describe my struggles with depression as having a little monster in my head feeding me negativity and justifications for engaging in destructive behavior. I am not going to use this description any longer because its a way to not take responsibility for my feelings and struggles. There is no monster, it is me.

This thought process all started from a sticker of all things. It simply read "Act as if You are Already Free" and it has been haunting me since. I do not need justification, permission, or some external factor to change. I am already free, but I am also afraid.

I am afraid to take responsibility, make necessary changes, own my values even if it leads me to beliefs or outcomes I hadn't considered, and most importantly to have real conversations with the people in my life.

Tomorrow

The NBA playoffs came and went. When last I wrote about the Celtics they were in the first round and had just handed the Nets their first loss. It was the first win of what would become a sweep, then we defeated the reigning champs in the next round, and followed it up by defeating an excellent Miami Heat team in the conference finals. We are now going to the NBA Finals to take on the Golden State Warriors.

It was all seemingly in the blink of an eye, but here we are knocking on the door of greatness. Unlike the previous trips, this one felt like a dream. In many ways it still doesn't feel real. It could be the mid-season turnaround or even just the general haze Covid-19 has brought to everyday life. Either way, I know am far more excited than I am able to show.

Of course, going up against the Warriors brings its own trepidation. They are team with lots of Finals experience, fought back injuries, and want to show the world that their current line-up can win it all without KD. They are the greatest modern team and will be a tough mountain to climb.

Lets Go!