Got on the scale this morning, 193 which means I've lost more than fifty pounds since last spring. I just woke up one day and didn't like the guy looking back at me in the mirror. Weight was part of it, but getting exercise is a key coping skill I've always used to help keep my anxiety in check.

That last part isn't working so well anymore. I just pervasively feel unheard and disrespected. It just feels like I have a face where everyone wants to dump all their complaints, grievances, and "stuff" on. No one in my life talks about anything positive anymore. I know its a difficult time, we are all struggling, but constantly focusing on it doesn't advance anything forward. When I try to change the subject away from stressful stuff I get cut off. Friends, coworkers, family, and my partner all do it. I'm at my wits end.

I consistently avoid my phone, the internet, and anything approaching doom scrolling in my daily life. But, its like the world heard I was doing that and now everyone just summarizes their doom to me verbally. I dread social interactions now, even with people I philosophically agree with...sometimes especially so.

I should be celebrating my victory, instead I am barely keeping my head above water.

Transplanted a big shrub with the help of a neighbor and planted a bear root apple as well. So tired.


John Wells Daily Stats: temp at 8PM,high temp,low temp,rainfall,wind conditions(CalmBreezyWindyGusty). All conditions for Milton, Vermont.

63,67,33,0,C

To learn more about John Wells, visit: http://thefieldlab.blogspot.com/

I was pretty on edge all day. It was partly the volume of the work I needed to do coupled with a bit of an anxiety spike thanks to over doing it with weed the night before. On the other side now though and I feel good about all that I accomplished. Just glad I've stopped muttering under my breath complaining about nothing.

Productivity Pact: Cleaned up the chaos creating by my dog voiding herself in the house at some point while I was gone, going to have to start crating her again unfortunately.

John Wells Daily Stats: temp at 8PM,high temp,low temp,rainfall,wind conditions(CalmBreezyWindyGusty). All conditions for Milton, Vermont.

44,49,27,0,C

To learn more about John Wells, visit: http://thefieldlab.blogspot.com/

One of the most consistent parts of my online life has been The Field Lab blog by John Wells. Since 2008 this blog has moved in and out and back into my regular reading list. I haven't always agreed with John, but have always respected what he was doing. Most importantly he has always been real in a world awash with well tailored online personas.

John did what many of us have only thought about doing, including me. He left a hectic schedule in media production in NYC with all the trapping such a career comes with to move out to some baron land in Texas. Once there he set about building a simple house and experimenting with minimal off-grid living, growing his skills, all while unabashedly chronicling both his successes as well as his failures.

For most of his blogs run he posted nearly every single day. This consistency and follow through is simply aw-inspiring. From experimenting with swamp chillers made out of ad igloo cooler, to the misadventure of starting a greenhouse, to building other people's off grid homesteads, or just snapping pics of his steer Ben he was always doing something to advance his stated purpose in life. Besides Richard Proenneke, I can't think of anyone more industrious.

Like Proenneke at Twin Lakes his health has led to him having to leave the off the grid chapter of his life behind. I am not going to dwell on this part simply because I'm exhausted from processing loss after the last several years, but John has sought hospice care in the wilds of society.

What I do wish to dwell on a bit is my gratitude to John. From his consistent experimenting, to relentless writing ethic, to his humbleness in the face of things not going his way, and most importantly leading a life well lived on his own terms... his experience has had an incalculable positive impact on me that will likely take me years to fully appreciate.

To honor John's impact I am adopting a new sign-off he used at the end of most of his posts:

John Wells Daily Stats: temp at 8PM,high temp,low temp,rainfall,wind conditions(CalmBreezyWindyGusty). All conditions for Milton, Vermont.

49,70,34,0,G

To learn more about John Wells, visit: http://thefieldlab.blogspot.com/

My presence here over the last few years has been fairly cringe as I move through the worst round of depression I've felt in decades. The last few months though has been more of an exploration of "what is me and what is a wider issue" in that I know there is a grain of truth at the center of some of the philosophical doldrums I have been working though.

Today I read this article about the changing relationship between the internet and my generation as a late X or early Y depending on how you want to split the hair. That article is below:

https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/millennial-internet-social-media-b2348853.html

There are many specifics here I think are unduly focused at the internet when the culprit is simply aging. Lamenting not seeing exciting things like 50+ pics of a house party really just exposes the immaturity of the author for instance. With that said, the general tenor or the article does feel valid.

I do feel there are not many places for me and I have watched my online community evaporate over the last 13 years. Again, this feels more like a product of aging. My friends in my age bracket are busy making babies and buying houses they can finally financially bare after a much longer period of scratching than in the past. It’s hard to spend needless time online when many in my group spend all day staring at screens for work. Further, I'm just old enough that I don't trust my smartphone. I have one and I do use it for many things, but I've always been guarded about my personal info of which all modern platforms depend.

There have been bright spots of course, notably Mastodon. The instance I am on does slant heavily to my age bracket. Sure, none of the people I know IRL are on it but for the first time in a long time I have met people my age doing not fake sounding things that are inspiring. With all of its positives Mastodon is still a low traffic network though. This makes it easy to stay engaged and caught up, but it also means it’s not engaging enough to make it a more regular part of my repertoire. For example I logged in last night only to realize it had been more than a month since I last checked it.

Working in the human services field I know there are other social trends at play. For example there is a mountain of studies showing that men become less engaged and connected with others as they age. It’s unclear what causes this but studies show men’s non-family circle of friends shrink rather dramatically over time. This has held true of me as well. In high school I had a large circle of close to 70 friends I saw monthly outside of family and coworkers. That number ballooned to over a 100 in college. But since graduating it has plunged. Outside of family and work I really only have like six friends I am in any kind of contact with. I physically see fewer than three of them quarterly. Most of my socialization is channeled through my partner and her friends as well as a few people we became close with as couples but these relationships do not feel as connected. It’s more like having activity based friends than friends you'd call if you needed an ally.

I don't know what the solutions to these issues are, but I agree with the article that it’s not likely on the internet. This is driven by the growing fakeness of everything there as commercialization takes the day. Everyone has an angle online now, everything is so polished it’s not believable or authentic, and the communities that do buck these trends are small and hard to stay connected too.

Saw an ad today for a academic advisor with a local college, specifically for their online program. It is a hybrid position and dovetails well with my current skills while providing me the opportunity to grow them as well. I have decided to apply and feel like it is worth the potential pay cut at this point.

I'm just done. I am done with my specific program, the employer I have, and the field it exists in. I know a lot of people in the non-profit and human services fields get to this space and leave. It just feels weird to actively want to pivot to something else, even if it is more of puddle jump than a sea change. I've been working in human services since I was 18 and that means its been part of my life for nearly 25 years.

Certainly, the culture at my current employer has hastened this feeling of being done. But, my experiences for the last decade have too. My previous two employers really hit home that working at small non-profits isn't really viable for most people, but large ones have just as many significant drawbacks I have learned with my current employer. Either you are constantly at risk of layoff pending grant funding, or you have the security/pay/benefits and in order to keep it you have to live in a real life version of Office Space.

I honestly dont even know what my job is anymore or if the program I run really needs to exist. Part of this is being ground down by pandemic life and the trauma of working through it. I've not been remote for most of it, except the first summer when I had to furlough my entire staff....itself being very traumatizing. I have been going in everyday besides that, seeing the degradation of communities and organizations I work with every day. The significant rise in hearses pulling up to the medical facility next to my work has impacted me more than I'd like to admit. Worse, seeing everyone above me at home while I'm not even allowed to be home for my actual admin tasks has really led me to resent most of my coworkers and supervisors. Thats not fair, but neither is how I feel.

All this in conjunction with my employers tendency to add more and more to peoples plates until they leave; while constantly expressing not understanding why we can't keep people has just crushed last few give-a-fucks.

My original plan was to wait out my new (third!) supervisor until she was settled in and then apply to move to some other part of the organization such as admin or information management. My logic was I could keep my benefits, maybe my pay, and divorce myself from the part of the work causing the most pain. Now...now I'm not so sure that is far enough away. I'm going to widen my net and be more flexible, hopefully it will lead to something with enough goodwill I can recover and claw back a bit.

i find myself stuck in these thought loops about long past decisions. i know this is silly, futile, and likely does harm....and yet it keeps happening.

perhaps its because i don't know how to move forward today that keeps drawing my mind to yesterday.

Yesterday was pretty bad between the humidity, accidentally drinking caffeine, and not being able to sleep. Being on call for work always messes me up.

Today I treaded water mostly, but lucked into getting a good deal done anyway. Hoping for better tomorrow.

Made a dent in very backed up todo today. Also had a Great evening with The Perrys.

I think this sunburn ive been nursing triggered a bit of anxiety, starting my day at 4am. Really got nothing done all day.