Doing Something I Don't Do
Sep. 8th, 2021 11:16 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
innerstoryIn general, I do not talk about my job. The primary driver of this is my belief that my job already sucks up too much of my time to begin with, so I feel talking about it socially is an affront to a healthy social life. For example, the thoughts I am about to write about have been on my mind for a long time and only now, while I am on a break at work do I feel comfortable actually writing about them.
For the last several years I have desired to leave my current field entirely, but alternatives haven't been clear. I sort of feel like a junior in high school being asked what I want to do when I'm done with school. I just kind of feel blank inside when I think about it. I have also been struggling with depression the last few years and am concerned that I'll make hasty decisions because of those feelings and not a legitimate desire to try something new.
As it relates to work, it is difficult for me to think offensively since most of my career decisions were made from a defensive posture. When I entered the work force it was about having money for basic necessities like clothes because I did not come from a good home. Later it was driven by leaving that home and meeting my basic needs thereafter. Due to the fact that I work in non-profits I have had to change jobs several times since then because funding shifted and I was laid off or found out I was about to be.
Now I find myself in a job with something that never seemed possible considering my background, experience, and chosen field. I have a living wage and a reasonable level of job security. Due to this, I was able to buy a modest house and can generally afford a more comfortable standard of living. I don't exactly hate my job either. I do find my employer to be monumentally inefficient, wasteful, and that its values don't line up with my own very well either. When I look up at my employer in a more global sense I feel I could do much better, but traditionally when I look down at my body of work I feel my goals as well as my values are properly engaged. It regularly feels like my employer gets in the way of doing my best work...work my employers wants me to do and that I want to do.
What's more, the pandemic has really harmed the community resources I need to do my job; I fear to an irrevocable level. As part of my work I connect people to flexible continuing education programs for adults. Those same programs have been savaged during the era of COVID-19, many options are gone altogether. Another part of the program I run that I enjoy is connecting folks to volunteer opportunities, which has become nearly impossible in the current climate. This coupled with my employer basically tossing my old job description a year ago and taking away the responsibilities that would most helped in pivoting to something new has made a uncomfortable position that much more disconnected from what I want to do.
I could easily get a promotion or a similar level job with the same employer. In some respects I am over qualified for my current job and my organization is desperate for people due to Covid-19 related staffing shortages. The issues with this though are notable. The next position above me is very undesirable and is basically all the worst parts of my field distilled into a single position. Like many that have it, I would need to be ready to pivot out within two years at most. The same would apply to a lateral move as well.
This sounds exhausting to me and I just don't think I am in the headspace for it. Likewise, blowing everything up would throw me back into unstable waters with less pay/benefits.
Had it not been for the pandemic, I likely would have figured something out by now. But, where I am in life and with the world the way it is I feel like I need to keep a cork in my general angst for the future.
For the last several years I have desired to leave my current field entirely, but alternatives haven't been clear. I sort of feel like a junior in high school being asked what I want to do when I'm done with school. I just kind of feel blank inside when I think about it. I have also been struggling with depression the last few years and am concerned that I'll make hasty decisions because of those feelings and not a legitimate desire to try something new.
As it relates to work, it is difficult for me to think offensively since most of my career decisions were made from a defensive posture. When I entered the work force it was about having money for basic necessities like clothes because I did not come from a good home. Later it was driven by leaving that home and meeting my basic needs thereafter. Due to the fact that I work in non-profits I have had to change jobs several times since then because funding shifted and I was laid off or found out I was about to be.
Now I find myself in a job with something that never seemed possible considering my background, experience, and chosen field. I have a living wage and a reasonable level of job security. Due to this, I was able to buy a modest house and can generally afford a more comfortable standard of living. I don't exactly hate my job either. I do find my employer to be monumentally inefficient, wasteful, and that its values don't line up with my own very well either. When I look up at my employer in a more global sense I feel I could do much better, but traditionally when I look down at my body of work I feel my goals as well as my values are properly engaged. It regularly feels like my employer gets in the way of doing my best work...work my employers wants me to do and that I want to do.
What's more, the pandemic has really harmed the community resources I need to do my job; I fear to an irrevocable level. As part of my work I connect people to flexible continuing education programs for adults. Those same programs have been savaged during the era of COVID-19, many options are gone altogether. Another part of the program I run that I enjoy is connecting folks to volunteer opportunities, which has become nearly impossible in the current climate. This coupled with my employer basically tossing my old job description a year ago and taking away the responsibilities that would most helped in pivoting to something new has made a uncomfortable position that much more disconnected from what I want to do.
I could easily get a promotion or a similar level job with the same employer. In some respects I am over qualified for my current job and my organization is desperate for people due to Covid-19 related staffing shortages. The issues with this though are notable. The next position above me is very undesirable and is basically all the worst parts of my field distilled into a single position. Like many that have it, I would need to be ready to pivot out within two years at most. The same would apply to a lateral move as well.
This sounds exhausting to me and I just don't think I am in the headspace for it. Likewise, blowing everything up would throw me back into unstable waters with less pay/benefits.
Had it not been for the pandemic, I likely would have figured something out by now. But, where I am in life and with the world the way it is I feel like I need to keep a cork in my general angst for the future.
